Strength must come from somewhere. When tapping into your reserves, the fight comes from future self. The survival instinct carries you to a place of safety. But, there is an exhaust to follow. It comes after you have used all that you have to propel you forward.
You think that when it is all over, it is over. I keep trying to explain to people; there is no way I can even lift my head at the moment. I am so tired. And yet, I still feel the need to participate in daily life. That I am not DOING what is expected of me.
It’s like being abducted by aliens, operated on in some distant planet - new visions, new ways of being have been implanted - then being ejected. Plopped right back where you where pulled away from; the life around you continues as it was, but you are worlds (maybe even universes) away from what you were.
I look around at my clothes, I realize that I no longer see myself in them. I look around at the things that surround me and have a dire need to throw EVERYTHING AWAY. I want everything gone. I want to be able to think clearly. I don’t want anything to tie me down. I NEED ROOM TO BREATHE, I AM SUFFOCATING IN HERE, I NEED TO GET OUT!
But what if I fall? What if I mess up? What if I will never accomplish anything? What if I am never the woman I know I am? What if this life ceases to exist? What if I will never be able to create? What if I can not move on? What if I miss a chance? What if….
I open my eyes. I am still on the couch. It has been four days.
I muster any ounce of energy that is left. I peel myself off the couch, from the cold, desperate, void that is quickly spiraling out of control. OH GOD, WHERE AM I GOING?????
To the shower, you are going to take a shower.
Move. The. Energy.
Animals, after attack, they begin to shake furiously; not in fear, but in order to clear this memory from the nervous system. Then, they pick themselves up and move on.
But why? Why am I here? How am I supposed to show up in this body? Searching for a reason for being. The light guide. The beacon.
The answer is too easy —
Once you have moved everything out of the way, and there is nothing else left. The only answer is…to breathe. That simply, I am enough. I am worthy. By opening my eyes in the morning, I warrant being on this Earth. The fact that I am breathing is ENOUGH. My VALUE is BEING.
With ease, I find comfort in the darkness. For this is no darkness to fear. It is a time to rest. A time of GESTATION. I give RESPECT the process. I give THANKS to the process. Because at the end of canal, I see a light. A life of vitality.
Who knew it was such an intense process to birth one’s self.
I have spent years on the search for what it means to be FEMALE, for what it means to THRIVE, for what it means to be ALIVE. This path has lead me all over the world, drawn to women and their children, to communities, to SPIRIT, and ultimately BACK to MYSELF. Here I will share my most recent adventure, navigating a diagnosis of triple positive BREAST CANCER and each step of the way I figure out how to be a little more ME. I am Catherine-Ayer Gresham a 30 year old woman