I knew this day would come, I didn’t know I was ready. But it's true, you can feel it. I woke up this morning and realized it was time to go. Time to cut off my hair. A month ago this decision would have been intrusive. I needed time to say goodbye. Time to spend cherishing my presence the way I AM. The woman I am NOW. But today I woke up and realized I am ready to embrace the woman I will become. Which means change; in all its uncertainty. The only way to allow her to move in; is if I move out.
Not to separate the two, because both are me. Built in layers; each step necessary for the next. They depend on each other; they rely on one another for reassurance that this is THE WAY. They are like a paper doll chain, one reaches down for the other’s hand and so on, calling for the next to rise.
I have NO IDEA what is about to happen. I never do actually, as hard as I try. The plane landing here was quite intense, my new friend let out a sigh, "Whew that was a close one, at one point I was taking inventory of my life." I could just smile and realize what a gift I had been given. This epic concept of ‘taking stock’ has been driven into each of my days. The past month has been a continuous calculation of all that has ever been and everything that will be.
Are we all hermit crabs? Sloughing off our shell in search of the next thing?
If there is something I learned while traveling, it is: TRUTH is more comfortable in transit, nothing to cloud YOUR vision of who you are. All belongings gathered in your pack. To really feel the rhythm of life as cyclic…root down, learn, grow, move on. Find the next shell, a shelter that will allow you to expand. Shed what is not serving, not cultivating and allow space for something new. The home SPACE is created by pulling into our atmosphere the parts of self we want to see. Collecting new pieces of you along the way, looking back to make sense of it all.
FADE INTO YOU…Mazy Starr, a haunting voice that wraps around my heart strings and tugs in the best way. A love interest of mine sent me this song, years ago and I was in a trance. I thought it was him, and after it ended, I would scream each time I heard the opening chords. A couple of months ago this song was on repeat, I learned it on the guitar, I sang the words to myself over and over again until it clicked. No, it wasn’t him calling, he was long gone…it was ME. If I had listened to the words I would have known it wasn’t a love song at all, it was a soul song. The words fold over eachother, “Fade into you, Strange you never knew….”, the blood pumps through my veins, “You put your hands into your head, and the smiles cover your heart”, she was calling me the whole time, and I couldn’t discern…
It was the woman sitting here at this table, typing these words, sending these messages from the roof top of a crazy yoga school in Ecuador. If the girl had only known what she would become. But she did, because she scraped herself off the floor, surrendered to breaking her own heart, and jumped on a plane to fly around the world. Nothing would become if nothing was before. The beautiful and the catastrophic all lead to the same place, a mirror to your soul.
I always thought I learned the ‘hard way’, but I am tactile; I have to SEE it to understand it. I will not throw the gems away in the mud. I promise to witness myself through this transformation.
Hermit crabs, paper dolls and Mazy Starr is what I am today.
I have spent years on the search for what it means to be FEMALE, for what it means to THRIVE, for what it means to be ALIVE. This path has lead me all over the world, drawn to women and their children, to communities, to SPIRIT, and ultimately BACK to MYSELF. Here I will share my most recent adventure, navigating a diagnosis of triple positive BREAST CANCER and each step of the way I figure out how to be a little more ME. I am Catherine-Ayer Gresham a 30 year old woman