I am empty….in the best way.
I have spent my time cozying up to silence.
Not trying to FILL. Not busy or distracting. Just allowing. Just being. Observing….my body, my emotions, my energy, my actions, the actions of others, the words of all, the birds, the water, the moon, the sun.
It isn’t all beautiful, but I can’t broadcast the tears as vulnerability is still a bounty being sought. Those moments, too sacred to share. The moments that are raw and scary are also the moments where I meet strength….and SELF.
It is easy to GO OUT when I feel good or write when I have something to say. It’s not so easy to GO IN. Into the menagerie, the inner workings where every step must be taken with care, with affection. Where there are no absolutes, no guard rails, no securities of what I may find.
Entering. Holding her hand while she shuffles past the shadows on the floor, as she finds her way. While she configures how she has arrived to this place. While she unboxes grief. While she tries on an old rag, a scream; when she slips and falls into a puddle of anger at her feet. While she peeps under the lid of a smile. Or when she touches joy under the wing of a blue king.
Lately, the path has been inhabited by many moments to be experienced. I have been taking my time. Learning how to proceed without FEAR and in FAITH. To look up, and be ready to greet the raw and unfiltered as it materializes.
There are no labels, there are no names, there are no formalities. There is no outside, no picture to fit. Everything is free game. And it is there that I have SEEN; in those moments, under the emotion…stands TRUTH.
A strength so potent, a softness, that doesn’t need to be proved. On this path, finding my feet for the first time. And the confidence to STAND. A strength that is a LOVE. A LOVE for this BODY, this SOUL, and this LIFE. One that can not be seen when covered with costumes, things to do, and places to be.
I haven’t lived this hard, this intensely, this passionately in a long time.
I haven’t cried this hard. I haven’t screamed this hard. I haven’t laughed this hard. I haven’t loved this hard.
A loving friend asked me the other day, “Who is the female inspiration on your journey in this moment?”. Caught off guard, I had to feel into it. I close my eyes and a huge grin grows across my face, “Truthfully...it’s me.”
I have spent years on the search for what it means to be FEMALE, for what it means to THRIVE, for what it means to be ALIVE. This path has lead me all over the world, drawn to women and their children, to communities, to SPIRIT, and ultimately BACK to MYSELF. Here I will share my most recent adventure, navigating a diagnosis of triple positive BREAST CANCER and each step of the way I figure out how to be a little more ME. I am Catherine-Ayer Gresham a 30 year old woman