Is there a finish line? My mind trails as my feet hit the sidewalk. Is there an end in sight?
When do I get to sit down and look back? I find myself holding on to the HOPE, the LIGHT; the thought that…this will be over, right? But it feels more like a check list. OK, done. OK, done. OK, done. Ok, DONE. Except there is no end.
Life doesn’t stop for anybody. We all have 24 hours in a day. Life is created in the space between. Waking and sleep, we live on repeat. The answer, a little tweek. The same dream with an alternate ending.
I had a waitressing nightmare the other night…those in the industry know the depths to which these reach:
People filling the bar. they are speaking and their words have no meaning. Retaining orders on a paper that cognitively escape. My mind screams, "JUST MAKE THE DAMN GREY HOUND! YOU KNOW HOW!" The result, a bottomless glass that will never be filled. Everything out of my control. People screaming, unsatisfied and the pressure builds.
Vodka - Grapefruit. Replace the vodka with gin, salt the rim and you’ve got yourself a Salty Dog.
Turn on the stove, boil the water, add the bone broth, boil more water, make the coffee, take the supplements, brush the teeth, sit and read, drink the coffee, make the smoothie, add the protein. Ahhhhhhhhh, peace.
I have assembled what I need to LIVE day to day; a simple break down of what it is I feel to be sustained. Nourishment. Movement. Creation. Satisfying Work/Production. Sleep. Repeat. The place not important, a transient swirling around gathering my things; each falling into their place. The spiral.
I see that EACH DAY is a ritual, a ceremony. The opening of the eyes, and closing.
On the most basic level, all bodies function the same. We are living in BODIES. A body being the most dense form. A science. A cause and effect. A chain reaction. Regulating the nervous system is finding a solid base, a balance. Establishing equanimity is finding a way to maintain. Easy…right?
Navigating the veils is not an easy task. Who ever said, “FEELINGS ARE MEANT TO BE FELT” was a masochistic lunatic…
I blame it on the astrology. Twas the month of the extreme emotional upheval. Under the Virgin Moon on the Supreme Eve when the Gemini was overriding Uranus down the hall
…it was me…I said it. Along with every other new age hippie chic selling sage, crystals and her new E-Book
[coming soon -- Working title: Spirituality - Chasing the High.]
Have I changed so much that the woman who occupied this body is invisible now? How do we measure our own growth?How do we know what we are made of? Revealed in the actions and thoughts of the present.
I saw the ex who haunts my past, twice in one day. Nothing is a coincidence in life or sleep. He didn’t see me, never mind I look nothing like the me he knew. For a moment, I found myself hurting. But it wasn’t a wanting for him; it was a longing for her.
She was so hurt, so frail, so fragile. She begged for anyone just to see her. She would do anything to be held. She would bite when they got too close. A safety mechanism, to protect her brittle bones. No man ever stands a chance against the inner masculine, who is protecting a wounded feminine.
And immediately, I caught myself musing over the idea of long luxurious hair. What? If only I had the guise, I could hide behind the coquette of luscious locks. A seductress, a gimmick, all the shiny things, ones that work every time.
AHA! The snare!
Knowing good and well I’ve done every thing I could to destroy her, the future riding on if she could just fade away. It is easy to go back to what feels safe in the moment I am deprived. When I am not full. When I don’t trust myself, when I feel undeserving.
But the body I am in presently doesn’t allow me to linger. It forces me to be strong. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically. “I am beautiful. I am bold. I AM WORTHY. I love you, thank you.”
Life spirals in upon itself. The end slapping the beginning in the face. “Did that happen yesterday or tomorrow?" Tomorrow explains back to today.
Dizzy, I grab for the railing, grasping for anything to guide me through. An anchor to the Earth.
You’ll be back in the body soon. Seguimos adelante. Gracias por estos pies en este tierra. Gracias por al alimentación de este vida. Gracias por guiarme.
The promise is the sun will rise.
I have spent years on the search for what it means to be FEMALE, for what it means to THRIVE, for what it means to be ALIVE. This path has lead me all over the world, drawn to women and their children, to communities, to SPIRIT, and ultimately BACK to MYSELF. Here I will share my most recent adventure, navigating a diagnosis of triple positive BREAST CANCER and each step of the way I figure out how to be a little more ME. I am Catherine-Ayer Gresham a 30 year old woman