I know what it means now, the saying “life goes up in smoke”. I sit here and watch the silky strands as they curl towards the night sky. There’s no point in trying to grab onto them anymore, as they have already flown by. They slip through my fingertips. So I just sit back. I muse over the sparks that pop off the flames, spiraling their way to kiss the stars. Small fireworks that salute what we are burning. I hold onto the memories of times that I cherish: Temazcal, the fire, the woods, the river, the dance, the smile that stretches so wide; it pulls at the sides of my heart. I am here to release what is in the past. What is the point of going back to a life that made me sick. Sometimes, I hit overdrive, just have to get THROUGH. Just to check this off the list and move on, but how do you check off a box that rattles you to your core?
The term warrior is too small, the warriors were expendables. Trained to kill and be killed.
I feel like the Gladiator. Entering from the far end of the Coliseum, the day has come. Rising from the hollows of the earth to meet the battle. The world lining the ring, stretching high above. There are two white horses galloping forward, their force unmatched, synced in stride. Their sinewy thighs reverberate with the Earth’s wave, as each hoof hits the floor. All I can see is the dust in a whirl, no idea what we are striding towards. I am only there to keep them in a line. To stay upright as the chariot flies; balancing on the edge of panic and poise.
One, The Diagnosis. The other, My Mind. Just keep it together. Just keep holding on. Just manage to ground it all. STABILITY in MOTION. The wheels moving so fast, they look like silence. The battle – Life. Everything becomes a blur, the focus FORWARD. Hold on. Just if you can get it into words on the pages. They have gotten so big, these horses.
I will not walk away fully intact. But that is the goal. The un-F*cking has begun. The creatures of the depths have come up to raise their heads. All parts of me seeping out; waiting to be transformed. No one said it would be pretty from here. Let’s curl up on the porch and watch the storm for a while. We’ll just wait for the dust to settle.
Standing here at the door of the infusion room; here we go again. I am not ready, it isn’t written down. I don’t have everything I need. It isn’t set in stone. I have NO CONTROL. I am scared.
We must charge on.
I have spent years on the search for what it means to be FEMALE, for what it means to THRIVE, for what it means to be ALIVE. This path has lead me all over the world, drawn to women and their children, to communities, to SPIRIT, and ultimately BACK to MYSELF. Here I will share my most recent adventure, navigating a diagnosis of triple positive BREAST CANCER and each step of the way I figure out how to be a little more ME. I am Catherine-Ayer Gresham a 30 year old woman