“I like you hair cut.” He lifts his eyes from under his Misfits hat. “Rockin.”
“I wish I were cool enough to do it by choice….cancer.”
“I didn’t want to ask.” Pitty face, shoulder shrug.
“Life…it’s pretty fun.” I murmer.
“Yeesh! Not when you’re alone.” He said, “There’s a lot of monsters out there.”
He turns his head with a sheepish smile and I look into his eyes. There it sits, plastered across his boy face; the battle of light and dark. One eye - hazel an entrance to the depths of the inner world; and the other - ice blue, frozen, the iris almost offensive, harsh.
His manner, child like. He is pure. Yet, I see the struggle in his eyes, he is caught in something. Ensnared. A shiver squiggles down my spine. Simultaneously, I want to take his hand, skip, and run.
“That’s why I like cartoons, there’s always a Hero. Do you like cartoons?”
I gaze to his face and smile. Holding eye contact, I exhale, the tension dissipates. Let's play.
In the quest to piece myself back together, I arrive to the hardest step. Looking into the mirror. From all that repulses, to all that makes me wiggle with glee. I am all. All is me.
Becoming whole, means becoming the parts of me I most fear.
For weeks, I have walked around wondering, how do I separate myself from the monsters? How do I differentiate?
Send it away! Get out of here! SKAT!
While all along I have been eating myself from the inside, out.
To vilify things outside of myself, it makes it easier to play the victim. As victimhood ensues, the savior soon follows suit. The triangle exists around the dot. X marks the spot.
Watching the dichotomy of the world in front of my eyes; I peek for a moment what is at center, that which is whole. Oneness. Truth. So close I can taste it.
And the spiral begins again. As I learn to trust myself, my truth, it is no longer a guessing game. No longer vulnerable to the ugly that lies in the corner and waits. Because it isn't so scary when you have seen it from far away, or when you see it peering back at you.
In this way, working, attuning to what is OUT THERE. The body leaves its signs. Learning each twitch, hop, skip, stance as I turn them into clues. How to navigate this existence. Now. In this skin.
A teacher once told me, “There are predators out there, but they feed off the broken ones. You must trust yourself and your light.”
I am my own monster, but I am the creator and the destroyer.
I am the dragon AND the knight who has come to fight for the Light.
I have spent years on the search for what it means to be FEMALE, for what it means to THRIVE, for what it means to be ALIVE. This path has lead me all over the world, drawn to women and their children, to communities, to SPIRIT, and ultimately BACK to MYSELF. Here I will share my most recent adventure, navigating a diagnosis of triple positive BREAST CANCER and each step of the way I figure out how to be a little more ME. I am Catherine-Ayer Gresham a 30 year old woman