I begged, I pleaded, I screamed! The waves drowned my cries. The wind silenced my tears. The moment fell on deaf ears. There was only ONE who was supposed to hear.
LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE! Get IN the body. Don’t you DARE leave now. Don’t F*CK this up! LOOK at the beauty that surrounds you. Look at the beauty that IS YOU. Look at your feet. Look at your hands. Look at your ABILITY, to be! THIS IS LIFE! What more do you need to stay? What else can I give? You’re like a ravenous child; everything is at your fingertips. OPEN YOUR EYES. Do you not see how gorgeous this could be? Can you not feel you are here, held in this body, on this Earth.
I kick. I scream. I throw my fists in the air. I huff, I puff, I pout; I coax myself off the ledge. I rein her back; like stuffing a sleeping bag into a sac. Filled to the brim. Full. Bursting at the seams.
I laugh to myself as I settle down, smooth out the wrinkles, and fluff the plume. A deep sigh as things come back to ease. A relief from the intensity, from the thought, from the FEELING. Knowing that it is necessary to go there, to be present with her as she feels. To touch it, to wrangle it, to transform it, to move it through. If there is anything I have learned by now, it is that PAIN is FLEETING. It only exists in a moment. Pleasure or pain, when you try to tie heart strings to moments--they begin their binding.
But where have I been?
Anchored to the past.
Dear child, we have been waiting for you to arrive. We have been here all along. We are holding you now and always.
I open my eyes. I take my one millionth first breath.
One foot in front of the other. Heal to soul. The wind carries my weight, as the heart guides my way. Gliding over the earth, the sea, the sand, the shells; darkness cloaks the mirage. Effortless, contentment in my stride. Is this what it feels like to be ALIVE?
It doesn't matter where I am, I am always here. We, will always be HERE. There is no need to run anymore, you are walking just fine. On your own; on your two feet. A smile saunters across my heart and exits through my fingertips. There is no better place to be than HOME.
When you are lonely,
Walk into the Sun and feel his embrace.
When you are lost,
Step onto the Earth and feel the sustenance of her core.
When you are absolutely content,
Smile, and feel the corners of your HEART unfurl.
I have spent years on the search for what it means to be FEMALE, for what it means to THRIVE, for what it means to be ALIVE. This path has lead me all over the world, drawn to women and their children, to communities, to SPIRIT, and ultimately BACK to MYSELF. Here I will share my most recent adventure, navigating a diagnosis of triple positive BREAST CANCER and each step of the way I figure out how to be a little more ME. I am Catherine-Ayer Gresham a 30 year old woman